Oh Walmart. Walmart, Walmart,
Walmart.
Do not read this if you have a full bladder, or if you are eating/drinking anything. You WILL pee. Or spew. Or both.
Do not read this if you have a full bladder, or if you are eating/drinking anything. You WILL pee. Or spew. Or both.
First off, I really love senior
citizens. Some of them are legitimately sweet. But today….
So this adventure starts off in the bathroom at Walmart. My mom and sister ditch me while I’m washing my hands because the air in there is polluted. Heavily.
This sweet old lady waddles in with a sense of urgency, slams the stall door, and from within the stall I hear this sickening SPPLLLAAAAHHTTTTPLTHTHBBB (the acoustics in these bathrooms are incredible). Instantly I am hit with this heavy, sticky stench. I can’t even describe to you what it was like. I felt like I was dying. The room fills with this stench fog, and I don’t even know how I made it to the door. It’s all a blur.
I make it out, and through my stinging tears I find my mom and sister. They’ve already found their stuff (thanks for leaving me to fend on my own guys D: ) so we begin to make our way to the registers.
This is when we are hunted by the malevolent grandmothers.
I SWEAR, they were trying to corner us or something. My mom and sister made their way through pretty well, but I kept getting run over, ran into, and one of them bruised my shin. It wasn’t just them though, there were younger, shameful people involved too.
I finally catch up with my sister and my mom. “If I get ran into, or ran over ONE MORE TIME….”
I never finished my sentence. You know why?
This huge motor cart starts backing over me.
So…. I lost it.
“I SWEAR IF I KEEP GETTING HIT OR RUN OVER OR KICKED…. I’M GONNA FLIP A SENIOR…. OH MY LAWD SHE LOOKS LIKE A WHALE.”
The whale remark was in reference to a magazine I had just passed with a pregnant Kim Kardashian next to the words “I EAT WHAT I WANT.”
My mom then proceeds to lose her crap. She starts giggling and snorting like Tickle Me Elmo, and by this time we have reached the long awaited registers. We’re all snorting and herrrrherrrr-ing, and the attendant is staring at us like we’re high or something.
We finally escape the death trap that is Walmart, and we proceed to lose it completely. We start snorting and HARHAHHHAARRRing and doubling over in the parking lot, and later when my mom tried to tell my dad she couldn’t get past the first sentence because she started laughing so hard her eyes started peeing.
I realize some of the things I said might have been a little rude. In my defense, I was stressed out and my feet were swelling from being ran over. However, I do apologize to the little seniors. And to Kim. It’s not her fault she looks like a whale.
I leave you all with this warning.
Beware the Walmarts.
So this adventure starts off in the bathroom at Walmart. My mom and sister ditch me while I’m washing my hands because the air in there is polluted. Heavily.
This sweet old lady waddles in with a sense of urgency, slams the stall door, and from within the stall I hear this sickening SPPLLLAAAAHHTTTTPLTHTHBBB (the acoustics in these bathrooms are incredible). Instantly I am hit with this heavy, sticky stench. I can’t even describe to you what it was like. I felt like I was dying. The room fills with this stench fog, and I don’t even know how I made it to the door. It’s all a blur.
I make it out, and through my stinging tears I find my mom and sister. They’ve already found their stuff (thanks for leaving me to fend on my own guys D: ) so we begin to make our way to the registers.
This is when we are hunted by the malevolent grandmothers.
I SWEAR, they were trying to corner us or something. My mom and sister made their way through pretty well, but I kept getting run over, ran into, and one of them bruised my shin. It wasn’t just them though, there were younger, shameful people involved too.
I finally catch up with my sister and my mom. “If I get ran into, or ran over ONE MORE TIME….”
I never finished my sentence. You know why?
This huge motor cart starts backing over me.
So…. I lost it.
“I SWEAR IF I KEEP GETTING HIT OR RUN OVER OR KICKED…. I’M GONNA FLIP A SENIOR…. OH MY LAWD SHE LOOKS LIKE A WHALE.”
The whale remark was in reference to a magazine I had just passed with a pregnant Kim Kardashian next to the words “I EAT WHAT I WANT.”
My mom then proceeds to lose her crap. She starts giggling and snorting like Tickle Me Elmo, and by this time we have reached the long awaited registers. We’re all snorting and herrrrherrrr-ing, and the attendant is staring at us like we’re high or something.
We finally escape the death trap that is Walmart, and we proceed to lose it completely. We start snorting and HARHAHHHAARRRing and doubling over in the parking lot, and later when my mom tried to tell my dad she couldn’t get past the first sentence because she started laughing so hard her eyes started peeing.
I realize some of the things I said might have been a little rude. In my defense, I was stressed out and my feet were swelling from being ran over. However, I do apologize to the little seniors. And to Kim. It’s not her fault she looks like a whale.
I leave you all with this warning.
Beware the Walmarts.
